Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
