It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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