how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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