Can i not drive my cunt home
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
