Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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