I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
