Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
