you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
