drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
