I have demons in me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
