Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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