Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
