yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
