Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
did i just pee glitter
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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