I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
