We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
