My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
