apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
