whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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