Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
