Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Can Purell be used as lube?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
