Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
