I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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