for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
