no, he came in my armpit
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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