if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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