I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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