i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
