Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
