my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
