Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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