I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
