please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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