i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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