Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
