you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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