so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
