just survived the first fart of the relationship.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
