My nipple is on Facebook.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
