I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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