You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
