I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
