It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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