Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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