I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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