I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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