You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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