i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
