Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
