no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
