I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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