Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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