Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
