looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
