Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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