thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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