the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
