I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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